Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
