you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
