maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
