All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
