I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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