so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
