Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
