I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
