A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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