the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
