Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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