my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
