Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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