Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
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