dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Be still, my beating vagina.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Well I just put wine in my tea
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
