I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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