I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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