Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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