he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
