I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
