you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
They should really pass out barf bags in church
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
