I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
We don't watch enough power rangers
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize