Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
