whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
