I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
