Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
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