even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
