I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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