I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
