his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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