So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
