yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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