I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize