I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
