and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
