he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
