ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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