dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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