I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
