you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
