Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
