Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
