I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
