I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
