I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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