My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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