So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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