then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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