Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My balls are so social today.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
