I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
