I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
