If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
